71 – Christmas Monsters: Ten Terrors of the Yuletide
Christmas is all about peace on Earth, goodwill towards men, hey, it’s the time to say “I love you” , right? We make jokes about Santa’s list including the kids who are “naughty and nice”, but no one really means it. Even the naughty kids seem to get presents for the holidays. All the bullies I grew up with got presents from Santa Claus ( even if some of them probably had Judd Nelson-from- Breakfast Club -style Christmases.) And I’m the only person I know that actually got coal in my stocking from St. Nick if I wasn’t behaving. It seems like we don’t have to worry about Christmas monsters.
But why bother with the naughty? After all, you don’t buy things for naughty kids and the Christmas shopping season is what keep’s America’s retail chains in business. And don’t let me sound like I’m being critical, the commercialization of Christmas can be fun, giving gifts is fun. Celebrating when it would otherwise be disgustingly cold and dark outside is fun! That’s why the Germanic countries had a mid-Winter festival (called the Yule, where we get the whole “Yuletide Season” from) around the Winter Solstice to begin with, because they probably just didn’t want to walk off the nearest Alp because they had to hibernate for five months out of the year.
So when these peoples were being Christianized, they found a Christian reason to celebrate in December – hey guys, let’s do Jesus’ birthday, and it worked. Now today, most people are considered “lucky” if they get Christmas Eve off in addition to Christmas Day, but back then they partied for twelve full days, or as one King’s directive when he was trying to integrate Christmas with his country’s Pagan traditions was to keep it going “until all the ale ran out”!
So, you’ve Christianized a nation and integrated your religious holiday with their traditional festival. But what do you do with the characters that existed in their mythology? Turn them into Christmas Monsters, of course, and use them to threaten children who are badly behaved. Genius!
After years in the shadows, we all know and love Krampus now ( I mean he even has his own movie! ) And the modern genius move was updating the tradition of Christmas monsters to something cute and seemingly harmless, the Elf on a Shelf, who won’t harm the children, but sits on the mantle all Holiday season with a mischievous smile and a watchful eye. Well, back in the old days, they used to have little Holiday friends like the Elf on the Shelf too, but they weren’t quite so cute…
1. Père Fouettard
This guy’s name in English translates to “Father Whipper” and he likes to terrify children in the North and East of France. The legend is that he was a butcher who killed three little rich boys in order to rob them (or in a more gruesome version, he drugs them, slits their throats, chops up their bodies, and stews them in a barrel, ho ho ho) but St. Nicholas shows up, resurrects the boys and forces Father Whipper to be his assistant, punishing naughty children during Christmas by whipping them. One company even named a fragrance after him that has “whip leather” as part of the scent , ummm…, sexy?
2. Frau Perchta
Does this dress make me look fat?
3. Belsnickel
4. Hans Trapp
5. Mari Lwyd
Sugar cubes, bah! I’d rather eat brains!
6. The Tomte
7. Black Peter
DO NOT WEAR THIS COSTUME AND PUT YOUR PICTURE ON FACEBOOK
8. The Icelandic Yule Cat
How many Christmas monsters has Björk sang about ? Only Jólakötturinn, baby, the Icelandic Yule Cat ! He’s a giant ferocious cat that roams the Icelandic countryside looking for children who haven’t received any new clothes for Christmas, and when he finds them, he devours them. That seems like a cruel double whammy doesn’t it? Not only do you not get new clothes for Christmas, but you also get eaten alive!
But it’s not really, Iceland is cold at Christmas and it’s dark most of that season. Children who finished their wool weaving work would get new clothes for the holiday. Getting new clothes is important because it means that you won’t freeze to death in the Winter! And you’ll need those clothes to stay inside and hide from Jólakötturinn’s mistress…
9. Gryla
Oh, I’m sorry, how rude of me… I should have saved some naughty child for you!
10. The Yule Lads
We’re like the seven dwarfs except pervy and our mother eats children. Merry Christmas!
Gryla’s sons, The Thirteen Yule Lads , are more mischievous and less cruel than their mother (they just scare kids, they don’t eat them), but you still don’t want them in your house, even if they’re dressed like Santa Claus. One of them comes every night of the Twelve Days of Christmas and they’ve got names like Spoon-Licker, Sausage-Swiper, and Window-Peeper(!), so I think you can guess the kinds of activities that they like to engage in. They mostly just steal and play pranks and in modern times, our dollied up like our St. Nick, and leave little treats for well-behaved boys and girls.
But that’s just the modern version because Iceland has a long tradition of hidden people – creatures who live close to use but in a different plane of existence. Magnús Skarphéðinsson, who is the headmaster of Iceland’s Elf School , says “I have met more than 800 Icelanders that have seen elves, and 4 or 5 that have seen Yule Lads. They were old fashioned dressed, poor, a little dirty, a little rude and hungry, trying to get food.” So, take that with however many grains of salt as you like, but we’re going to have to go in deeper on Iceland in an episode because any country with an Elf School requires further investigation.
Featured Song: Sunspot ‘s version of “ Santa Baby “
Santa baby, I wanna yacht,
And really that’s not a lot,
Been an angel all year,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight.
Santa honey, there’s one thing I really do need,
The deed
To a platinum mine,
Santa honey, so hurry down the chimney tonight.
Think of all the fun I’ve missed,
Think of all the fellas that I haven’t kissed,
Next year I could be just as good,
If you’ll check off my Christmas list,
Come and trim my Christmas tree,
With some decorations bought at Tiffany’s,
I really do believe in you,
Let’s see if you believe in me,
Santa baby, forgot to mention one little thing,
A ring.
I don’t mean on the phone,
Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight,
Hurry down the chimney tonight.
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